Psych 101 -- Winning Relationships: The Rules of Attraction -- Research Summary

BIG AND BEAUTIFUL: Lisa Tealer is a 300-pound woman who refuses to let her bulky figure shake her confidence. In addition to teaching an aerobics class for overweight women, Tealer is also a plus-size model. "I was a large baby, a chubby kid, and I've been fat all my life," says Tealer, who came to terms with her hefty frame when she began "celebrating" herself and focusing on qualities that had very little to do with her physical appearance. "I started [celebrating myself] when I was a teen and got support of my family and friends," says Tealer. "They accepted me because of the person that I am, not because of what I look like."

Michael Kernis, M.D., Ph.D., of the University of Georgia in Athens, believes childhood environments play a key role in determining whether a person's self-esteem is fragile or secure. Dr. Kernis explains that people with high, secure self-esteem derive self-confidence from being authentic and being in relationships where they are valued for who they are rather than what they accomplish. "People who have secure, high self-esteem, like themselves," says Dr. Kernis. "They are accepting of their weaknesses -- they don't feel like they have to be superior to others." Dr. Kernis says if parents want to facilitate self-esteem in their children, they need to create accepting home environments where a child feels free to express his or her "true, authentic self" without fear of rejection. He also advises parents to provide their children with unconditional love that is not contingent upon their behavior.

THE RULES OF ATTRACTION: "I definitely think that I attract people more because of my attitude and how I feel about myself," says Tealer. "Beauty may catch your attention initially, but what keeps a person engaged and what keeps a person wanting to build a relationship is your personality, your charm, and who you are as a person."

Tealer adds credence to psychologist Ann Demarais, Ph.D.'s theory that everyone can look and feel more attractive if they try. "If you look at someone that might be unattractive who presents himself with verve and energy, they become more attractive," says Dr. Demarais. She uses Queen Latifah as an example. "She's overweight, but she's sexy, and she presents herself as if she knows she's attractive.

Dr. Demarais gives the following tips to people who want to be perceived as more attractive:

• Stop monitoring yourself! Don't obsess over minute personal flaws, and don't try to hide the things you feel uncomfortable about! By trying to hide your imperfections, you might be drawing more attention to them. Instead, focus your attention on the person you are with. People will find you more appealing if you show an interest in them.
• Display physical confidence! Demarais advises using positive body language that shows people you feel good about yourself. She also says to take a cue from method acting and pretend to be confident, even if when you aren't. "Actually, presenting your body in a particular way can snowball into making you feel more attractive and more confident until it's not even something you have to think about," Dr. Demarais says.

"All of us have some things that we don't like," she says. "We might think we're too short. We might think we're too fat. But you can project a much more attractive image of yourself just by your body language, your style, and letting go of the details."

This article was reported by Ivanhoe.com, which offers Medical Alerts by e-mail every day of the week. To subscribe, click on: http://www.ivanhoe.com/newsalert/.

If you would like more information, please contact:

Ann Demarais, Ph.D.
First Impressions, Inc.
22 Prince Street #318
New York, NY 10012
(212) 219-0923
ann@FirstImpressionsConsulting.com