Opting Out?

Reviewed by: Susan Schilke

Opting Out?, the new book by author Pamela Stone is subtitled, Why Women Really Quit Careers and Head Home. After thorough interviews with 54 professionals who tried to manage both work and family, and ultimately left their jobs, her global conclusion is that these very high-achieving women were forced out by their employers. According to Stone, though the women all refer to the choice to leave as theirs, in fact, they are not given many options in their inflexible workplaces. I found Opting Out? an interesting and somewhat frustrating read.

In the nature of full disclosure, I am the mother of three school-aged children and president of a company that facilitates peer forum groups for business leaders. Any mother with children still at home, whether juggling the mixture of work and family, or managing children and family full time, is probably incapable of approaching this topic objectively. We’ve each dealt with the very personal challenge of making the best decision for ourselves and our family. So while fascinated with these women’s stories and intrigued by many of the books’ key points, I am not sure hard-and-fast conclusions can work when so many variables exist.

The women featured in Opting Out? are highly educated professionals who excelled in high-prestige jobs, including doctors, lawyers, scientists, bankers and executives. All but one has a college degree, most have degrees from elite universities, and slightly more than half have advanced degrees. Most were quite successful in predominantly male-dominated fields prior to leaving to stay at home.

Stone’s book explores the women’s lives prior to children, and she recounts many extremely successful career paths. The women interviewed were committed to their educations and their career advancements, and most planned to stay in the work force after having children. The book gives careful account of the factors that led them to instead ‘opt out.’

Three primary influences are cited in several chapters. In ‘Family Matters,’ Stone writes of today’s culture of ‘intensive mothering’ and the pull to be very actively engaged on a deeper level with our children. ‘Home Alone’ cites the role of the husband in the ultimate decision to opt out – providing emotional and financial support for women to leave and little support for continuing careers. But the clincher is the ‘Gilded Cages’ the women are working in, where requests for leave are generously and readily granted, but requests for flexible schedules are not. This chapter, and the one that follows – ‘The Choice Gap’ – lay Stone’s foundation for the primary reason women ‘really leave.’ Though the women cite their personal choice, Stone contends their employers gave them little ability to balance their demands.

I take exception to this conclusion as an oversimplification to a complicated set of circumstances. From some of Stone’s own data, I would point out that the husbands play a huge role in the ultimate decision made by these women. With high-powered careers of their own, these men were unwilling to make adjustments once children came along, leaving the responsibilities for childcare and an unfair portion of household chores to their wives. The women acknowledge this, along with an appreciation for the opportunity of choice provided by the husband’s career. But a fairer division of the family responsibilities might have resulted in a different outcome for these women.

I also found it ironic that Stone condemns the inflexibility of the work place, when it seemed so many of the women were also unwilling to compromise. These women wanted to have continued level of interesting work, advancement and income with fewer demands on their time and resources. Many pursued flex time or part-time opportunities with their employers, and many employers were open to this. However, the women wanted to have the same level of involvement and responsibility, and were discouraged when their status or type of work was changed to accommodate their different needs.

Working closely with leaders of successful, growing businesses, I can understand the needs of employers to effectively leverage their resources and investments. And on a very basic level, I believe it is unrealistic to expect to give less and get the same or more from your company. I agree with Stone that a more flexible, creative approach is the answer to giving talented women (and men for that matter) an opportunity to continue a meaningful career and be more involved with their children during their formative years. These creative solutions need to come from both sides of the equation.

As a working mother, I was eager to read this book, along with Leslie Bennetts’ The Feminine Mistake, which tackles the same subject matter from another angle. I found myself more personally aligned with Bennetts’ perspective that it is a mistake to leave the work force, though not with her reasons. Her primary concern is that women give up too much in terms of dependence and long-term earning ability. My biggest concern is the loss of talent and creativity in the business world, and the loss of external identity for the women.

After reading both books, I find myself feeling quite lucky to have found a way to have a very meaningful career combined with the ability to be very involved with my family. I would certainly wish that for all women who want to excel in both areas. One of the most ironic twists in Stone’s interviews with women who really wanted to find a way to do both was their complaint about a lack of role models. Many wished there were other working mothers in their field who had created some positive examples of options to stay. But if upper middle class career women continue to ‘opt out’ instead of pushing to carve out the right opportunities, I guess the next group of women will have the same challenge.

Susan Schilke is president of TeamStrength, a leadership forum program in Central Florida. She lives in Winter Springs with her husband, Rick, and their three children, Samantha, 12, Michael, 11, and Steven, 9.

This article was reported by Ivanhoe.com, which offers Medical Alerts by e-mail every day of the week. To subscribe, click on: http://www.ivanhoe.com/newsalert/.